Silent thoughts

Why did I even start to copy you?

Why am I criticizing you for something that I’m copying from you?

Why do I struggle to follow you when I hate it?

Why did I get sucked into your world?

—

…Why did I even get into this mess…..  

…Why did I think that following you would make me fit in…

…Why do I have to bear this pain when I know how to fix it…

Honestly, I don’t know how to translate 신들의 만찬.

I started to watch the drama because I loved how the drama’s director and writer intended to make it a “heart-warming feast” that everybody could “deliciously” enjoy as they watched the drama.

I didn’t watch the drama from the start, but I noticed that the plot was becoming centered toward the typical or even cliche style of it turning out that the protagonist had a secret mother, the antagonist being two-faced (smiling at her fake parents while putting poison in the protagonist’s food), etc.

However, I continued on to watch the drama: I was hoping that a touching ending was awaiting me in which the characters would realize their true dreams and succeed in their own ways.

I kept on waiting although I was tired of watching the antagonist female’s “I’m going to destroy you” face.

And now, after I watched the ending, I’m extremely disappointed. What lesson did the drama teach me? Was it even the heart-warming story that it intended to be?

The antagonist committed so many crimes throughout the story - she tried to hide the fact that the protagonists’ parents were right beside her all along, tried to stop her from winning competitions, hurt her feelings by looking down at her, and even went to the end of putting poison in her food to stop her from competing in the competition. Thanks to her, the protagonists’ real mother started to hate her, slapped her and treated as a little pest.

She really deserved to be punished — is it even legal to put poison in somebody’s food hoping that they’ll become disabled? She could have even killed her. But, she never even said sorry, never cried about her own crimes and instead begged for sympathy and empathy to the other characters saying that she suffered for 22 years because she had to hide the fact that she wasn’t the blood-related child that her mother had thought she was. She only felt bad for herself, screamed at the protagonist and only laughed at her.

…And then she won the final cooking competition. I thought there’d be a scene showing her reflect on all her misdeeds and go to the protagonist and AT LEAST apologize. She committed all the crimes and didn’t even feel sorry, but she ended up winning the competition, getting her mother’s love and improving in cooking.

The protagonist instead suffered for 22 years in poverty because the antagonist stole her place in her family for 22 years. Her real mother even slapped her and said the most hurtful words (thanks to the antagonist’s lies), but she continued to love cooking and was warm-hearted to everybody around her. All she got was: an open ending that she’d get together with the male protagonist. She lost her family’s love, the position she’d be fighting for to an antagonist who did nothing but      treat the protagonist like a little rag.

And most surprisingly, the antagonist expressed her love for cooking, so the judges decided that she deserved the place as the head of the restaurant. But honestly, did we even see her cook? All I remember is that she tried to pretend to be the “goody goody” girl while attempting to ruin others’ dreams.

So, why do I even care? People watch dramas because they want to escape their reality and earn something valuable — dramas present them with something they can’t imagine. Dramas have the responsibility to make us have a positive mindset and give us a valuable lesson or moral to earn or something that we can at least reflect on. That’s why so many dramas in which the protagonist overcomes her obstacles to succeed is so meaningful. Dramas are actually influential to viewers in that they can observe the characters’ expressions, actions and words to see how they mature and develop in the process. However, what did this drama do to us? It only showed us with an antagonist who committed the most unforgivable crimes but yet was forgiven and achieved her dream without much effort (or at least she was portrayed in that way). The only message I got was that it doesn’t matter whether you commit the most unforgivable crimes, hate people, look down at them or cheat, if you can just trick people to think that you’re innocent. Really?

Is this even a happy ending? It just makes me mad — what was I waiting for? I got nothing out of this experience. 

I may be young, but I still intend to improve this world. I may seem powerless, but I intend to make a rapid change. I may seem hopeless now, but I intend to make all my dreams come true. I may seem to have been struck with fear, but I intend to overcome it.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about who I am… This may sound ridiculous for a teenager who lives in a country that does not provide a lot of freedom or privileges for teenagers. But, how will I continue to develop my character if I don’t know who I am?   I go to school every day, procrastinate, do my homework, stress, procrastinate more, obsess about unnecessary stuff, get sensitive, worry, procrastinate… and that cycle continued on and on. I recently had nervous breakdowns because I just got tired of this… I wondered how this world would be without me? 

I don’t have any clubs or activities right now that I feel extremely passionate about. I don’t know what my dreams are. I just feel lost and set goals that are unreachable because I don’t have a clear plan or guideline for them. …and that’s why I can’t escape the depression and fears that I have long been suffering from. I wonder… what would this world be without me? Then I realize that so far, I haven’t made any extremely significant contributions ever since I came to this country. And maybe that’s why I continue to blame this country and it’s people for what pain I’ve suffered in it. But I’ve come to realize that I’m the one who’s changed. I’m the one who decided to follow it’s principles and get lost in this darkness that I can’t escape. And that’s how I started to struggle with the depression and fears of mine. I sometimes imagine how this world will be if I wasn’t in it? Would my friends cry for me? Would people notice that I was gone? Would they wonder why? I feel so NOT confident about these questions’ answers. And I’ve finally decided that I have to change this… I need to find out why I’m needed in this world. I intend to start a new activity or find one that will make me feel like a worthy and unneeded person in the world. What I intend to reach, I do not know, but I’m positive that it’s within my reach somewhere…

Last year, that “incident” ended my life in a complete mess… I still don’t feel that it’s justified because what she said about my sincerity was unreasonable. She condemned me for being too “quiet”. I agree that my layout skills weren’t the greatest  and I wasn’t exactly fond of the idea of doing layout too. But I stayed after school to work on my layout, and tried to communicate with my editors. She told me that I hadn’t many whatsoever effort, but I clearly stated that, that is untrue. She put her own bias on me because she thought I was “quiet”. And she told me that I was “unfit”  for the newspaper after all deadlines were due. Then, she pretended to be all nicey-nicey and understanding and blah blah blah… That’s why I still give her the cold shoulder.

And it happened again… That secretary position, that rcy position, that scientia position, etc. etc. I was really mad about the rcy and scientia position because I felt that I didn’t deserve all this pain, especially after all the things I suffered from. This was devastating to me… But I eventually decided to satisfy myself with the member position & the la position… again, it happened again. I no longer am part of that la position… 

But I don’t at all feel angry or extremely depressed about it. I do feel a little melancholic and a little sad, but it’s nothing compared to all the things I’ve been through. And I actually agree that that decision was justified. I know that I don’t have much skills for that position and I didn’t exactly put in my best in the beginning nor do I plan to — I don’t have extreme enthusiasm for that position, so being a part of it would only make me feel like I’m not doing anything. And lately, I’ve been thinking about myself… How can I make myself needed to the society? This just reminded me that I really need to try hard to find my place in my world… I feel that nobody other than my family members or friends would notice if I disappeared from this world…